Friday, April 15, 2011

Mental Ramblings

First...NEVER, EVER, NEVER miss a day of boot camp.  EVER.  I felt like it was the first day all over again.  I definitely should have just taken a bucket and did my best rather than missing Wednesday. ;-)

It was all legs.  Stability ball squats with 2- 12lb weights, then dead lifts on the step with 2- 12lb.  Then one 12 lb back leg lunges.  Switch legs.  More dead lifts.  Switch to 2 -10lbs.  Front leg stationary lunges with a really, really long stride.  More dead lifts.  Repeat all.  Water.  Then 2 more sets of that. 

I was a hot sweaty mess.

Then it was on to calf raises.  50 normal.  20 with toes out.  Repeat.  That was first set.  Another set.  Then to the floor for planks, butt raises, dead bugs, and tons 'o crunches.  Knees bent, legs up in air, bicycles, etc, etc.

It did give me lots of time to practice mindfulness.  There were many times I forced my self to tune out the counting and just concentrate on the movement right now.  Not how many were left.  I mean, I was a math teacher...I can count up or down in my head really well...but it was not helpful.  Just do this raise, then the next one, then the next one.

It appears that next week will be all about arms.  I need that.  And I have learned my lesson...I will NOT miss again.  My body goes backwards too fast at this point!

On a whole different front, I am struggling again with depression.  I feel the dark clouds coming, and I can't seem to shake it.  I now see this is a good reason to be journaling.  IF I had been doing that I could see what specifically got me out of it last time.  sigh.  What I do know is that I was reading a lot about mindfulness, living in the moment, the power of now, etc.  So I went to the library and checked out a few books on that general theme.  Two are more like workbooks and one is a person's account of trying to figure it all out.  That mix seems to work well for me.

I am torn about putting it all out here.  I know that I need to in order to track where I am and where I go, but I don't want to add to the Debbie Downer vibe that often hits weight loss blogs.  I know that for me 90% of this whole journey is mental so talking about what exactly is going on mentally helps me continue on.

I know the dark clouds coming are what has lead to over 2 weeks of daily, debilitating headaches.  I know that I don't know enough about depression to really understand.  I know it is heavily in my family on both sides.  I know that daily meds help, but episodes will still come.  I know NOT to let the episodes totally derail me like they did last year when I lost 25 lbs and gained it all back in 6 weeks.  I am over thinking that it is silly--I mean I have NO REASON to be depressed--I understand that is part of it.  That is when it is the most hurtful.

I am resolved.  I am going to get this figured out.  I am going to continue praying, living in the now, and working it out.  I want to.  I have to. 

6 comments:

  1. Don't you worry about being a downer! I think it takes great courage to write about your struggles, and it only goes to prove that you are taking steps to help it.
    I never understood depression until I developed PPD after my kids. I now realize how terrible it is.
    Good thoughts coming your way!

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  2. Thanks for your kind words.

    The more I learn about depression the more I realize I have had it since childhood. It was just after I got married (7 years ago) that I was diagnosed. This is probably the first time I can feel it coming and am trying to head it off. In the past I didn't realize it until the middle. So I am making some progress!!

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  3. I love posts like this. Someone else who is having the same struggle may read it and know they aren't alone, that someone else knows what they're going through. We all need to support each other and posts like this make that possible!

    {{HUGS}}

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  4. Thanks Faith! I look forward to being able to report on how I am making it better!

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  5. New follower here:)

    Thank you for being real and honest with yourself. That is most definitely the key to weight loss. That way you know what works and what doesn't. I never really had any depression but I get it. Hang in there, you're doing great!!

    Dee
    http://www.deesdroppingtheweight.blogspot.com

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  6. Sounds like you are doing amazing! Keep it up! Weight loss can be scary mentally sometimes.

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