Thursday, August 7, 2014

AG Focus

So my daughter got an american girl doll this summer.  And it has changed her life.  She is 24/7 American doll.

Playing with Isabelle.
Making things for Isabelle.
Talking about making things for Isabelle.
Watching youtube videos about AG. (American Girl)
Reading and studying the catalogs.
Calculating how many weeks of allowance until she can buy....
     a dog
     a ballerina outfit
     soccer outfit
     swimsuit
     leash for the dog
     a cat
     another doll

And EVERY conversation somehow comes back around to AG.  Sometimes it is so comical to listen to her steer the conversation so that we are back to AG.

She is so singularly focused.  It is driving me crazy. 

BUT...

What if I was that focused on my health and weight loss.  I mean, the sweet girl will NOT spend money on anything that is not part of her plan.  Not. A. Cent.  Passes by Legos, Barbies, head bands, nail polish, etc...  So what if I was so focused that I passed up every ounce of sugar in the name of my health?  Every bit of whatever I most what to put in my mouth?  The sweet girl will do chores--without complaint!!-- in 2.4 seconds if it means more time on youtube.  What if I happily ran out the door for my run so that I could be more fit?  What if I didn't cuss when about 3/4 of the way done?  What if all I talked about in waking hours was health and weight loss?

What if I had that singular focus?

I would drive people crazy.  Right.

Ok, but there is a point here.  The focus doesn't have to come out in everything I say...it can all be focus in my head.  I have a bit of that focus now.  I am on day 7 of whole 3.  A week in.  Today at work there was tons of stress and tons of chocolate.  Tonight there was tons of friends and tons of pizza.  I ate none of it.

Let me repeat.  I ate none of it.  None.

I have the AG focus in my head.

And here is another thing:  Friends of mine, acquaintances...even random strangers know about the sweet girl's focus.  And so...they help her out.  They tell her about other places to buy clothes.  They tell her how to make clothes.  They make clothes for her.  Etc, etc.

And something similar happens when I share my focus.  Friends plan an event and try to have stuff I can eat.  Friends offer to run with me.  Friends check in on my thinking.

Focus is a good thing.  AG focus seems to make shit happen.

Game on.


Tuesday, August 5, 2014

HI

Hi.

So I think about this blog a lot.  I mean A LOT.  And I was missing some of my favorite bloggers and I almost sent them a message to ask how they are.

Pot, meet kettle.

So how am I?  Really, I am ok.

I wasn't.

I am now.

So July was really tough on me.  Or I was really tough on myself in July.  I gained weight. (Actually saw 206 on the scale.)  I had done a challenge...and managed to lose a whopping 3 lbs.  In. A. Month.  I didn't handle that well.

So I just ate.  Not super crazy.  Well, not super duper crazy.

I beat myself up for all kinds of things.  Panicked that school was starting and I had nothing to wear.  Spun around in the worst of myself for awhile and then got mad at myself for that.

And then I got sick of myself.  Really sick of myself.  And I was having headaches again.  And a stuffy nose.  And nothing fit.  And it looked worse.

Sick. of. myself.

So I started making changes.

Doesn't that sound easy?  Just make changes.  Well, it wasn't that easy.  It came with tears and false starts and swearing and hard conversations and on and on and on.

***(There is more here, but I will save it for future posts.)

But I am doing well now.

I am on day 5 of a whole 30.  Sometimes it is hard and sometimes not so hard.  (It is hard right this minute.  I want to eat everything in sight.)  It is amazing how much life involves eating out and/or not being totally in control of meal choices.  I started the month by weighing in, taking measurements, and pictures.  So part of it is not to weigh again until day 30.  So any sort of check in will be then.

I am running with H.  It is hot and horrible to run now...but we are running.  We are up to 1.5 miles.  Well, I am up to 1.5 miles.  She is now up to 8.5.

I am working on my thinking.  I am paying attention to how I talk to myself and trying to change it around.  I love when Louise Hay says...it is just a thought...if you don't like it, change it.  So true.  So hard to do...but so true.

Part of my thinking work is about intentions, affirmations and resonance repatterning.  It really is easier when my energy is aligned with the direction I am headed.

So, I don't know about posting daily...but I do need to post more often than I have been.  Blogging helps me--helps get my thoughts together and my intentions in line.

Working on it...

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Updates

I have been running.  I feel like it is all I am thinking about...

I did mention that H had been coming to get me...and not letting me off the hook about it in a gentle way.  I did go out of town in early June and was supposed to run.  I didn't.  Part wasn't staying where I should run by myself and part I didn't want to.

Then when I came back we ran.   14 mins.  Then the next time neither of us could breathe and it was 15 mins.  Then the next time was 14 mins.  The next time was 13.  In between I walk/ran as part of an accountability challenge with J who reached out to me.

Now H is on vacation.  And I am running without her.  I am not efficient with timing like she is so I will just wait for her to give the "official" time.

We are running only a mile.  I find myself wanting to run more...but am making myself take it slow.  It is important that I can actually do it.  If it is doable, I will want to do more.  If it is too much I will give up.

And that is part of why I was not sure I wanted to run with H in the first place.  I was worried it would be too fast and I would hate it.  She has been so kind and supported me.

I have been thinking a lot about how both H and J have helped push me by being a support.  And now it is time to be sure that I am supporting myself too.  I will run with them...makes it much better...and I need to run without them too.

On another note, I have not done great with breaking up with my scale.  I keep going back.  Ridiculous.  Today I am starting another round of Whole 30 and so the scale is gone, gone, gone.  Next weigh in is in a month.  And no more handfuls of nuts or pieces of chocolate (no matter how dark) or whatever.

And this time I am going to do more vegetables.  I had planted a garden and I should be swimming in vegetables right now...but I am not...so it will be the farmer's market for me.  I am frustrated about my garden, but thankful that I still have resources and locations to purchase what I need.

Anyway, I could be all meat all the time.  Seriously.  Old style Atkins. lol  But I feel better with veggies...so this time goal is more vegetables.  I am leaving for a training tomorrow for 4 days, but it has seemed like it has gotten easier to find compliant things on the road if I am watching for it.

Game On.


Friday, June 27, 2014

Clarity

I had a headache last night.  It was bad.  I thought it might be from the stress of an 8 day training I had just finished doing.  Sometimes the let down when something finishes gets me.  I thought it could be from not eating great (not bad...some chocolate, some nuts, no vegetables and not enough food.)  I ate some dinner and was feeling pretty good.

I woke up in the middle of the night with a blinding pressure.  Like someone was squeezing my head.  I am used to headaches...but man I have not been having them this bad.  I tried to breathe through it.  I tried to muscle check about what it could be.  I realized that I had been dreaming and in my dreams I was being under valued, overlooked and disrespected.  So I figured it was about some work stuff that I had been very angry about and thought I had dealt with.  The pain in my head was so bad that tears were streaming down my face.  I couldn't really cry because that would have hurt too bad.  I got the "warm" (rice filled bag) and heated it up and lay with it on my head.  (It is both heat and pressure that seems to help.  There is irony here because I also want to be very cold on the rest of my body.)

In the energy work that I study and practice I have been revisiting the meridians and 5 elements.  So I was thinking this must be something with my metal element...that is about value.  So I muscle checked...and yep, metal.  So I went to my books and muscle checked for the category....respect.  Yep.  Makes sense with some stuff going on at work.  I checked for the statement...and it was "I don't respect myself".

What?!?!

No it is other people not respecting me.

Nope.  I trust my system.  I trust my muscle checking.

I need to respect myself.

Instant clarity for me.  Instant.

I am not respecting myself when...
*I accept someone else's low opinion.
*I hide my light so as not to stand out.
*I eat things that make me feel less than amazing.
*I wait for other people to push me to exercise.
*I let other people's narrow thinking become my world view.

and the list goes on....

I respect myself when...
*I am me.  100%
*I am better today than I was yesterday.
*I set the standard for excellence in me.
*I accept only the very best opinions and options.
*I do things that make me feel strong, powerful, in control, invincible.
*I participate fully.

So I lay there in bed...blinding headache and started to really think about the ways that I have been disrespecting myself and what I would need to do to respect myself.

The modality that came up for me to do was movement and music.

I lay there for a few minutes trying to decide how I could possibly move and listen to music when I could barely breath through the pain.  I feel asleep.

I woke up 15 mins later completely pain free.  Completely.  I looked at the clock and realized I could sleep for another 2 hours.  So I rolled over.  Found I couldn't sleep.  I had so much energy and I had to move.

So I ran.

A mile.  With music by Pink pounding in my ears.

Time flew.  I ran fast.  I did not hurt.  I did not stop. 

And it was amazing.

I was singing along "...and guess what?  I don't care...cause I'm a rock star and I got my rock moves..."

I love me some Pink.

Movement and music.

I trust my system.  I trust myself.  And I definitely respect myself.  I lost sight of that for a bit...but it is back.

GAME ON!



Monday, June 23, 2014

The Scale

I should learn how to tag posts.  I feel like I am in repeat territory but I am too ___________ (lazy? tired? strapped for time? ignorant? whatever?) to dig through old blog posts to find what I have said.  I keep thinking that if I tagged posts they would be easier to find because I could search for it.

It might be an illusion.  I mean I am pretty organized...but I have never been great about finding files... or filing at all.  I think I should file alphabetically, but then the files I use all the time I think should be more accessible.  So then I have so many that I use all the time that it is a mess.  Maybe I need two file drawers.  Ones I use a lot and ones I don't.  Alphabetize each drawer.  Ok.  Brilliant.  I am doing that when I am next at school.

Ok tagging.

Which actually this is a post about the scale.  I am sorry I am scattered.

So here is how tagging fits so we can move on:  I am going to write about the scale and I think I have written about it before and I might be saying the same thing.  I don't know because I am too __________ (see above) to dig through my posts.  If I tagged it might be easier.

Wow.

Ok.  The scale.

I need to break up with the scale.  And I am torn about it.  On the one hand it is data that keeps me accountable.  On the other hand I start to obsess about numbers and think it should move faster, etc.  So for right now...I am not going to weigh.  I am going to put the scale away.  I will way again on July 18.  (That is a random date...but I am going to go with it.)  In the meantime I am concentrating on:

1.  Plants, animals, fats and some fruit.
2.  Some sort of exercise every day.
3.  Stress management every day.

The numbers will follow.  I will try not to stress about it.

Game on.


Sunday, June 22, 2014

Running

So H came to get me last night. I was sweating before we started.  You might think it would cool off by 9 pm.  You would be wrong.  And I think summer starts today...or yesterday...or just recently.

Whatever.  It was hot.  Yet I know it will get much, much hotter soon.  That is my point.

I have not run since the rain storm.  As we started I told myself to go slow and just run.  Slow so that I could breathe.  I need to be sure that I am not killing myself, speed can come later.  Right now it is about a consistent habit which I won't do if I can't breathe.

I started with the tricks in my head.  Run to the truck and then you can walk.  Oh I am at the truck.  Run to the light pole. etc.  Then I hear H say that I am going to run 1/2 mile before I stop.  Ok.  Well, there you have it.  I will be running 1/2 mile without stopping.

H says we are doing really well and it is 0.3 miles.  I felt like it should have been 3 miles...but whatever.

Then we were at the 1/2 mile and I just turned around and started back.  No stopping.  I ran the whole way!  And our time was 14 mins.  So again, super, super slow...but the fastest so far.

So I can sort of remember a blog post about the first time I ran a mile without stopping.  Interesting here is that I didn't beat myself up last night about how much fitness I have lost...nor did I really celebrate running a full mile.  I just did it and started planning for doing it again on Monday.

The weird thing about it becoming a habit (again) is that I have been thinking that I have to have all this time to be able to spend.  I don't.  14 mins.  So maybe 25 total with prep and shower after.  I have 25 mins.

I do feel my determination and focus coming back.  I look forward to getting faster and running longer.  It will come.  I feel it. 

Game on.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

After the Challenge

So the 30 day eating challenge has been over for awhile.  I did fine--excellent actually.  No cheats.  Managed parties and graduations and traveling and summer.  I think summer is easier in some ways about food.  There are plenty of fruits and vegetables.  On the other hand there are BBQ's, yummy desserts, lots of parties, etc.

Whatever.

I did it.

And then I had a dish of ice cream.  Just a dish.  Not a problem.  Tasted yummy.

The next day I was sick.  Stomach issues I won't go into.  Was it dairy?  Maybe.  Sugar?  Maybe.  Whatever it was, it was not pleasant.  At that point I wasn't really connecting the dots.

The day I was sick I was back to plants, animals, fats and some fruit.

The next day I wasn't.

The day after that I was sick.  In bed with a migraine sick.  For 2 days.

I was starting to put the pieces together.

Now I have a few friends who have said that of course I was sick.  My system wasn't used to it.  And I get that.  And it makes me nervous...I mean am I to never have ice cream again?  Or a Diet Pepsi?  I mean I didn't go hog wild or anything...just a few items...

So I don't know.

What I do know is that for 30 days...

I slept better.
I was not hangry once.  (Not once!)
I often missed "lunch time" and didn't care.
Once completely forgot to feed my daughter since I was not even thinking about food.
I was much more clear headed and focused.
My face was clearer.
I was more relaxed.
I had more energy.  (Still not tons of energy...but more than before.)
Most of my cravings completely went away. (Even eating the ice cream was more about my head than my stomach.)
I managed to arrange real food, shopping, cooking, etc for all meals.

So really, seems like a no brainer.  This is how I should eat.  Forever.

I am still arguing in my head about forever.  So I am working on that.  I don't want to have a hard line about it.  I don't want to be a problem at meals or restaurants or whatever.  But I do want to feel better.  And let's be honest....most people don't care what I eat...or even IF I eat.

So the one area of the challenge that wasn't completely fabulous is weight loss.  I was down 5 lbs at the end of the challenge.  Not great for a month...but not bad either.  I will take it.

Moving ahead...
1.  Continue to eat plants, animals, fats and a few fruits.
2.  Add consistent exercise.  Emphasis on consistent.  (H is coming to get me to run tonight.  Her exact text was "we are running tonight will be at your house at 8:30"  I have not run since the rain storm.  I am so thankful she puts up with me and pushes me.)
3.  Focused stress reduction.  Everyone has stress...trying to have none is not happening...so managing it is the key.  Resonanace Repatterning does this for me.  I need to consistently practice.

I am going to count days for awhile.  I am torn about this.  Counting is sometimes good and sometimes not.  I will do it as long as it is good.

My good friend S texted the other night and said she was glad I was blogging again. (Once every couple of weeks isn't "back to blogging" but I get her point.)  She said she missed the Adelyn that was full of moxie and focus and kick-ass-take-names determination. 

I miss that Adelyn too.  I think I am finding her. The 1, 2, 3 above is my deal.  Here we go.  Day 5 almost in the books.

Game on.