Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Weigh In Week 1

CW:  206.2
PW: 205.4

+ 0.8

Intention:  5/7
RR: 4/7
Clean Eating: 1/7

Wrong direction and yet not shocking given the inputs that I had this week.  I can do better.  I will do better.  I am better than this.

And here is the thing.  As defeated as I am by this, I also am proud that I posted it.  Frankly I want to run and hide.  And delete my blog. And act like everything is ok.

But it isn't.  And I am facing it (semi) publicly here.

I did run 4 miles yesterday.  So there is that.

I am still having trouble with my knee.  Seems it is all related to stretching (maybe) so I am doubling or tripling my stretching efforts.  So I will add that to the inputs.

And I could put running up there as in input, but running is not a struggle for me to do.  H comes to get me and we go.  It sucks ass and I am terrible, but we get to talk.  (Mostly she talks and I try not to pass out.)  So actually getting dressed and out the door is not a problem.  And really if 6 months ago someone would have told me I would have a running partner, I would have laughed.  It is a good thing.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Intention Day 5

I have had a headache since Tuesday.  I have been going to work and coming home...that is about it.  So I haven't been posting.  At any rate, the intention that keeps coming up for me is I am safe.

I am safe.

I have been repeating this for the last 3 days.  It also checks as my intention for today.

There is a bit of a mystery here for me because I am not sure what I might be feeling unsafe about.

And yet as I typed that, a few things have flooded to me.  It is a hard time at school.  People are on edge and that comes across in different ways.  I have felt attacked and that is hard.  Or I have braced myself for a potential attack.  There are also budget issues abounding across the state and that makes me unsure about the future.  That triggers a lot of being unsafe thoughts from childhood.  Some kids are having a hard time at school and it is triggering more things from my childhood.  I have questioned my own value and that makes me unsure.  I am feeling feelings and I am feeling a lot of anger.  I don't know what to do with it...feeling it is still fairly new in the grand scheme for me...and that makes me nervous.  I worry about what I might say or do...about if I can't control it.  Or get rid of it fast enough.

So wow.  THIS is why I need to be blogging.

And yet there is something about the act of blogging itself that can make me feel unsafe.  My blog is not private.  It is not well known...but it is not private.  So I am putting myself out there.  And yet maybe that is OK.  A step toward proving that I am safe.  Readers have been kind and offered support and encouragement.

I am safe.


Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Intention Day 2

Today's intention:  Think before I eat.

Yesterday I ate a piece of pizza.  It was great.  Then I had somewhere between 4 and 47 fun size pieces of candy.  That part is a problem.

Think before I eat.  That is what I need.

Weigh In Week 0

SW: 205.4 lbs


Intention Setting
Resonance Repatterning
Clean Eating

Monday, November 17, 2014

Day 1 Recap

Intention -- check
Resonance Repatterning  -- check
clean eating  -- fail

So my RR session tonight was all about hope.  What is clear to me is that I am digging down deep to clear out old patterns, habits and behaviors.  The statements that came up were all in the following vein:

I am enough.
I am safe.
All is well.
Everything I think and feel is ok.

So I am working on it.  Trying to feel those statements above.

On to day 2...

Dad

I know one of the things that is weighing on my is that I miss my dad.  I think it will be 10 years in May.  Seems weird that I don't know how many years it has been...but then as I type that I don't know if I think it is weird.  I just don't focus on when he died.  I just know he did.

And I miss him.

Terribly.

I still find myself thinking I would tell him something or call him or go to see him.  And then other times I can't remember what it was like to have a dad.  I mean, I remember all the memories...but I can't feel it.  So it is a weird mixture of a full flood of everything and a void of everything at the same time.

Sometimes I am angry.  The other day a person about my age lost her grandmother.  (Isn't "lost" a weird way to phrase it...)  And I was sad for her and her family...and then mad at mine.  I haven't had any grandparents since I was in high school, let alone parents.  My daughter has had only one set of grandparents for her whole life.  It isn't fair.  And then I hear my dad's voice..."life isn't fair".

And sometimes I am guilty.  The holidays are coming and I don't have to organize all the celebrations around multiple sets of families.  We have my husband's and then my sister's family will join us.  I feel guilty in those moments as it makes it easier for me. Easier in schedules...not easier in not having family.

And sometimes I am relieved.  My mom was difficult.  Very.  And lots of the negative tapes in my head are her.  Have you seen the Garth Brooks video about mom?  Kills me.  Seriously.  I feel that way so much about my daughter...and yet truly wonder if my mother ever felt that way. 

And then there is a song about one more dance with my father.  My dad didn't dance...but that song gets me too.  I know my dad struggled with depression.  I see it much, much more clearly now.  I am very much like him.  I see it in the way I handle things.  And I am trying to improve on much of what he did.

And my best friend from college's dad is in his last days.  He has cancer and there is nothing more that can be done.  He is ready to go (he keeps saying) but of course my friend is not.  The doctors tell her to get prepared and she texts me and tells me that.  And I ask her "how?" and she says that she doesn't know.

There is no way.

And I want to make it better for her.  And here I am 10 years later and I am not better.  Different.  Not better.

She is hurting and the hurt is only beginning.  The hurt that swallows everything.

And it is because we have great dads.

I have another friend whose dad died this summer.  And she keeps asking me when it gets better.

It doesn't get better.  It gets different, not better.

That is what I tell her.  I don't know if that is true for everyone, but it is true for me.

I see my dad everywhere.

And I know the positive side is that it is because I have a great dad.  Not perfect, deeply flawed actually.  (I think we all are.)  But great.  Present.  Loves me.

So here is another place where I feel the feelings, and also try to gain some perspective.  I feel loss because I have so much.  The downs with the ups.  And I have a choice.  I can use the memories to feel down and stay down.  Or I can use the memories to laugh and rejoice and remember and move forward.  It is sometimes a struggle, but I know that the second option is the one that I want.


Intention Day 1

Intention:  I feel happiness and peace throughout my day.

Modality:  Color your world glasses -- Pink

Here we go...