Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Not Good

The last couple of days have not been good.

I keep saying things need to turn around so often that frankly I am not sure what direction I am pointed to at the moment.

But I do take it moment by moment.

Trying not to let the events of any one day make or break me.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

TTSA Day 6, 7

Not good.

Snow, didn't leave the house.  Ate the wrong things.  Stopped and turned it around about an hour ago.

Spring...please show up soon.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

TTSA Day 5

Mix bag....will call it success.

Ate grains and sugar, felt ok.  Ate Chinese food, massive headache followed.  Did not binge and am grain and sugar free today.

So yesterday we did not have school.  I went to visit another school.  Decided that I could probably be in control of what I was eating for the day...but if it did involve grains and sugar I would use it as an opportunity to not go crazy like I have in the past.

Did the normal protein shake in the morning. 

10 am I was so light headed I thought I would faint.  Seriously.

at 11 am we were waiting to go to another teacher's room at 11:40.  I almost excused myself for a bit as I truly thought I would not be ok.  This of course is stupid...people fast for days at a time.  I was lightheaded and nauseous, but figured it would go away.

Finally it did.

Had the opportunity to each lunch at 1 and was ok not to.  Ate lunch about 1:30 or so.  I don't really know.

Then when I got home the sweet girl and I did some shopping.  Then my sister called with an impromptu dinner for my BIL's birthday (he doesn't like celebrating).  It was at a Chinese buffet.  (I LOVE CHINESE BUFFETS--even this one that I don't love, I love.)

It can be tricky.  The fried stuff is not good for you.  The dishes that might be better have sauces that sometimes don't agree with me (cause headaches).  So I decided to be cautious and just do the best I could.

I didn't go crazy.  I did get a horrible horrible headache.

So really...all of that hardly sounds successful.

BUT...I didn't just say fuck it and eat everything in sight.  Usually after events like yesterday I would dive headfirst into chocolate and grains and everything I could find.  A 3 day (or longer) bender.  Seriously.

So the fact that today I got up, 2 big glasses of water (to flush whatever caused the headache) and a protein shake later I feel in control.  I am not going to binge on a bunch of stuff today.  I am not making excuses or beating myself up.  I am winning the battle in my head.

So I will call that success.  Operation Turn This Shit Around is more than what I am eating.  Life has to be.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

TTSA Day 4


Long day.  I'm tired.  Have to get up in 5 hours.

More tomorrow.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

TTSA Day 3


Today was a horrible, horrible day.  Non-stop kid issues at school.  Lots of situations that are hard and don't have answers.  I could also barely keep up with all the phone calls.  Needs that I don't know what to do about.  In the middle of it all I went to the doctor.  No answers and a bunch of tests.  (Some female issues.)  And 2.5 hours gone.

I brought my lunch which was a good idea.  The shockingly simple ideas usually are.  I find that I just want to eat real food these days.  Sometimes I think about Medifast again...but I just don't think I can.  I want to eat.  So I just have to work on what I am eating.  I know that sugar and grains make me feel horrible.  Not everyone is that way...but I am.

I could feel myself wanting to just eat junk to eat junk.  I didn't.  I know I am an emotional eater.  I know it.  I am back to planning for it.  Just say no.

Parent/Teacher conferences were tonight and all day tomorrow.  As assistant principal, I am available for teachers and parents who might want/need it.  It is a mixed bag.  Lots of opportunities to connect with parents and also the potential for more issues and needs.  It will be a long day. (we work until 8 pm.)

I am way behind in a bunch of work I need to do.

In the middle of all this...I didn't eat sugar and grains.

I did have a horrible headache for much of the afternoon.  Could be the sugar detox, could be everything else.  I am feeling ok tonight...so no worries.

I feel the strength and resolve creeping back in.  I need to do some cooking this weekend.  Seems on the weekends I just collapse and try to recover from the week.  I am working on it.

I need to get my head wrapped around exercise too.  I know it helps me feel better.  I also know there will be a hurdle to get over in getting back after it.  I have to decide when I can get over that hurdle.  Or maybe I need to decide how I can take it really slow and build up.  I think that wold be better.

Once again, thanks for the comments.  It is helping.

This shit is getting turned around...

TTSA Day 2


Much like day 1...I was hungry...protein shakes are not doing it.

Chocolate was calling...I ate none.  Here is where blogging helps:  I wanted chocolate.  I wanted the amazing cookies I made that are left over from my daughter's recital.  I was physically hungry.  I kept thinking...just one.  One won't hurt.  I can stop at one.* (Which hasn't been true, btw.) But I knew that either I confess and be the mess that I have been (not able to hold out for 2 whole days!) or hold strong and report well here.  (Well, or go silent for months because I figure that if I am sick of myself the internet probably is too.)

Reporting well feels better.

So today I am employing a new strategy...take my damn lunch to work.  Shocking in it's simplicity. 

The actual having something to take is a bit more of a challenge...but I am good to go for today. 

Today might be the dreaded day 3 of no sugar no grains...but whatever.

* yes, I can hear how I sound like an addict.  Addict is a strong word and I don't really know when behavior moves to addiction...I just know that what I typed up above sounds bad.

Monday, February 24, 2014

TTSA Day 1


Hungry most of the day.  Chocolate and carbs in abundance.  I ate none of it.  Stress abounds.  I did not eat stress away.

I did eat protein and some vegetables.  I need more vegetables in my life.

Thank you for your supportive comments.  I am truly amazed that people are reading...and you are more helpful than I can express.

Small steps... will equal great rewards.