Saturday, June 28, 2014

Updates

I have been running.  I feel like it is all I am thinking about...

I did mention that H had been coming to get me...and not letting me off the hook about it in a gentle way.  I did go out of town in early June and was supposed to run.  I didn't.  Part wasn't staying where I should run by myself and part I didn't want to.

Then when I came back we ran.   14 mins.  Then the next time neither of us could breathe and it was 15 mins.  Then the next time was 14 mins.  The next time was 13.  In between I walk/ran as part of an accountability challenge with J who reached out to me.

Now H is on vacation.  And I am running without her.  I am not efficient with timing like she is so I will just wait for her to give the "official" time.

We are running only a mile.  I find myself wanting to run more...but am making myself take it slow.  It is important that I can actually do it.  If it is doable, I will want to do more.  If it is too much I will give up.

And that is part of why I was not sure I wanted to run with H in the first place.  I was worried it would be too fast and I would hate it.  She has been so kind and supported me.

I have been thinking a lot about how both H and J have helped push me by being a support.  And now it is time to be sure that I am supporting myself too.  I will run with them...makes it much better...and I need to run without them too.

On another note, I have not done great with breaking up with my scale.  I keep going back.  Ridiculous.  Today I am starting another round of Whole 30 and so the scale is gone, gone, gone.  Next weigh in is in a month.  And no more handfuls of nuts or pieces of chocolate (no matter how dark) or whatever.

And this time I am going to do more vegetables.  I had planted a garden and I should be swimming in vegetables right now...but I am not...so it will be the farmer's market for me.  I am frustrated about my garden, but thankful that I still have resources and locations to purchase what I need.

Anyway, I could be all meat all the time.  Seriously.  Old style Atkins. lol  But I feel better with veggies...so this time goal is more vegetables.  I am leaving for a training tomorrow for 4 days, but it has seemed like it has gotten easier to find compliant things on the road if I am watching for it.

Game On.


Friday, June 27, 2014

Clarity

I had a headache last night.  It was bad.  I thought it might be from the stress of an 8 day training I had just finished doing.  Sometimes the let down when something finishes gets me.  I thought it could be from not eating great (not bad...some chocolate, some nuts, no vegetables and not enough food.)  I ate some dinner and was feeling pretty good.

I woke up in the middle of the night with a blinding pressure.  Like someone was squeezing my head.  I am used to headaches...but man I have not been having them this bad.  I tried to breathe through it.  I tried to muscle check about what it could be.  I realized that I had been dreaming and in my dreams I was being under valued, overlooked and disrespected.  So I figured it was about some work stuff that I had been very angry about and thought I had dealt with.  The pain in my head was so bad that tears were streaming down my face.  I couldn't really cry because that would have hurt too bad.  I got the "warm" (rice filled bag) and heated it up and lay with it on my head.  (It is both heat and pressure that seems to help.  There is irony here because I also want to be very cold on the rest of my body.)

In the energy work that I study and practice I have been revisiting the meridians and 5 elements.  So I was thinking this must be something with my metal element...that is about value.  So I muscle checked...and yep, metal.  So I went to my books and muscle checked for the category....respect.  Yep.  Makes sense with some stuff going on at work.  I checked for the statement...and it was "I don't respect myself".

What?!?!

No it is other people not respecting me.

Nope.  I trust my system.  I trust my muscle checking.

I need to respect myself.

Instant clarity for me.  Instant.

I am not respecting myself when...
*I accept someone else's low opinion.
*I hide my light so as not to stand out.
*I eat things that make me feel less than amazing.
*I wait for other people to push me to exercise.
*I let other people's narrow thinking become my world view.

and the list goes on....

I respect myself when...
*I am me.  100%
*I am better today than I was yesterday.
*I set the standard for excellence in me.
*I accept only the very best opinions and options.
*I do things that make me feel strong, powerful, in control, invincible.
*I participate fully.

So I lay there in bed...blinding headache and started to really think about the ways that I have been disrespecting myself and what I would need to do to respect myself.

The modality that came up for me to do was movement and music.

I lay there for a few minutes trying to decide how I could possibly move and listen to music when I could barely breath through the pain.  I feel asleep.

I woke up 15 mins later completely pain free.  Completely.  I looked at the clock and realized I could sleep for another 2 hours.  So I rolled over.  Found I couldn't sleep.  I had so much energy and I had to move.

So I ran.

A mile.  With music by Pink pounding in my ears.

Time flew.  I ran fast.  I did not hurt.  I did not stop. 

And it was amazing.

I was singing along "...and guess what?  I don't care...cause I'm a rock star and I got my rock moves..."

I love me some Pink.

Movement and music.

I trust my system.  I trust myself.  And I definitely respect myself.  I lost sight of that for a bit...but it is back.

GAME ON!



Monday, June 23, 2014

The Scale

I should learn how to tag posts.  I feel like I am in repeat territory but I am too ___________ (lazy? tired? strapped for time? ignorant? whatever?) to dig through old blog posts to find what I have said.  I keep thinking that if I tagged posts they would be easier to find because I could search for it.

It might be an illusion.  I mean I am pretty organized...but I have never been great about finding files... or filing at all.  I think I should file alphabetically, but then the files I use all the time I think should be more accessible.  So then I have so many that I use all the time that it is a mess.  Maybe I need two file drawers.  Ones I use a lot and ones I don't.  Alphabetize each drawer.  Ok.  Brilliant.  I am doing that when I am next at school.

Ok tagging.

Which actually this is a post about the scale.  I am sorry I am scattered.

So here is how tagging fits so we can move on:  I am going to write about the scale and I think I have written about it before and I might be saying the same thing.  I don't know because I am too __________ (see above) to dig through my posts.  If I tagged it might be easier.

Wow.

Ok.  The scale.

I need to break up with the scale.  And I am torn about it.  On the one hand it is data that keeps me accountable.  On the other hand I start to obsess about numbers and think it should move faster, etc.  So for right now...I am not going to weigh.  I am going to put the scale away.  I will way again on July 18.  (That is a random date...but I am going to go with it.)  In the meantime I am concentrating on:

1.  Plants, animals, fats and some fruit.
2.  Some sort of exercise every day.
3.  Stress management every day.

The numbers will follow.  I will try not to stress about it.

Game on.


Sunday, June 22, 2014

Running

So H came to get me last night. I was sweating before we started.  You might think it would cool off by 9 pm.  You would be wrong.  And I think summer starts today...or yesterday...or just recently.

Whatever.  It was hot.  Yet I know it will get much, much hotter soon.  That is my point.

I have not run since the rain storm.  As we started I told myself to go slow and just run.  Slow so that I could breathe.  I need to be sure that I am not killing myself, speed can come later.  Right now it is about a consistent habit which I won't do if I can't breathe.

I started with the tricks in my head.  Run to the truck and then you can walk.  Oh I am at the truck.  Run to the light pole. etc.  Then I hear H say that I am going to run 1/2 mile before I stop.  Ok.  Well, there you have it.  I will be running 1/2 mile without stopping.

H says we are doing really well and it is 0.3 miles.  I felt like it should have been 3 miles...but whatever.

Then we were at the 1/2 mile and I just turned around and started back.  No stopping.  I ran the whole way!  And our time was 14 mins.  So again, super, super slow...but the fastest so far.

So I can sort of remember a blog post about the first time I ran a mile without stopping.  Interesting here is that I didn't beat myself up last night about how much fitness I have lost...nor did I really celebrate running a full mile.  I just did it and started planning for doing it again on Monday.

The weird thing about it becoming a habit (again) is that I have been thinking that I have to have all this time to be able to spend.  I don't.  14 mins.  So maybe 25 total with prep and shower after.  I have 25 mins.

I do feel my determination and focus coming back.  I look forward to getting faster and running longer.  It will come.  I feel it. 

Game on.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

After the Challenge

So the 30 day eating challenge has been over for awhile.  I did fine--excellent actually.  No cheats.  Managed parties and graduations and traveling and summer.  I think summer is easier in some ways about food.  There are plenty of fruits and vegetables.  On the other hand there are BBQ's, yummy desserts, lots of parties, etc.

Whatever.

I did it.

And then I had a dish of ice cream.  Just a dish.  Not a problem.  Tasted yummy.

The next day I was sick.  Stomach issues I won't go into.  Was it dairy?  Maybe.  Sugar?  Maybe.  Whatever it was, it was not pleasant.  At that point I wasn't really connecting the dots.

The day I was sick I was back to plants, animals, fats and some fruit.

The next day I wasn't.

The day after that I was sick.  In bed with a migraine sick.  For 2 days.

I was starting to put the pieces together.

Now I have a few friends who have said that of course I was sick.  My system wasn't used to it.  And I get that.  And it makes me nervous...I mean am I to never have ice cream again?  Or a Diet Pepsi?  I mean I didn't go hog wild or anything...just a few items...

So I don't know.

What I do know is that for 30 days...

I slept better.
I was not hangry once.  (Not once!)
I often missed "lunch time" and didn't care.
Once completely forgot to feed my daughter since I was not even thinking about food.
I was much more clear headed and focused.
My face was clearer.
I was more relaxed.
I had more energy.  (Still not tons of energy...but more than before.)
Most of my cravings completely went away. (Even eating the ice cream was more about my head than my stomach.)
I managed to arrange real food, shopping, cooking, etc for all meals.

So really, seems like a no brainer.  This is how I should eat.  Forever.

I am still arguing in my head about forever.  So I am working on that.  I don't want to have a hard line about it.  I don't want to be a problem at meals or restaurants or whatever.  But I do want to feel better.  And let's be honest....most people don't care what I eat...or even IF I eat.

So the one area of the challenge that wasn't completely fabulous is weight loss.  I was down 5 lbs at the end of the challenge.  Not great for a month...but not bad either.  I will take it.

Moving ahead...
1.  Continue to eat plants, animals, fats and a few fruits.
2.  Add consistent exercise.  Emphasis on consistent.  (H is coming to get me to run tonight.  Her exact text was "we are running tonight will be at your house at 8:30"  I have not run since the rain storm.  I am so thankful she puts up with me and pushes me.)
3.  Focused stress reduction.  Everyone has stress...trying to have none is not happening...so managing it is the key.  Resonanace Repatterning does this for me.  I need to consistently practice.

I am going to count days for awhile.  I am torn about this.  Counting is sometimes good and sometimes not.  I will do it as long as it is good.

My good friend S texted the other night and said she was glad I was blogging again. (Once every couple of weeks isn't "back to blogging" but I get her point.)  She said she missed the Adelyn that was full of moxie and focus and kick-ass-take-names determination. 

I miss that Adelyn too.  I think I am finding her. The 1, 2, 3 above is my deal.  Here we go.  Day 5 almost in the books.

Game on.




Friday, June 6, 2014

Adventures in Running

So on Wednesday I was supposed to run with H.  And pack so that I could leave on Thursday after work for a weekend course in Resonnace Repatterning.  I was stressed...I wanted to run...but I just could not figure out how I was going to get everything done.

So I told H I just wouldn't be able to swing it.  I can't believe I did...but I did.

And her response was...  OK what time do you want me to come Thursday morning?

She is so awesome...wasn't letting me out of it.  Calling bullshit in the nicest possible way...or maybe just awesome support.

So Thursday morning at 5 am I got two texts at the same time.  One from a friend saying she would not go to work until the hail passed.  The other was from H saying she was on her way.

Yep.  She is hardcore.

Yep.  It was raining...hard.  Hail was supposed to be on the way.  The lightening had mostly stopped...but it was raining.  Hard.  Wind was crazy.  It was even cold.

And H was on her way.  And I was strangely excited.

She got to my house and we started running.  I couldn't breathe.  Seriously.  I had to walk more that the last time.  I was bummed...but there wasn't anything I could do.  At one point the wind was so bad I had to just stand still for a moment.  I was listening for tornado sirens and I am not joking.  I was looking for animals lining up 2 at a time.  I was loving and hating it all at the same time.  Then we rounded the corner and the wind was at our backs and it was soooo cold.  And we were soaked.

And it was awful.

And strangely I still enjoyed it.

And then it was over.  And I was sooooo thankful.  And wet.  And cold.  And felt amazing.

My time was 14:30.  That included the walking and standing still.  Pitiful time.  But important to document the data.  It will get better.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Support When I Need It

I am not good at asking for help.  Or accepting help when it is offered.

I know it stems from being the oldest and told I needed to take care of myself.  I will get myself in to all kinds of problems because I don't ask for help when I need it.  And there are the times that I could just use help--I don't NEED it--but it would help.  I like to help others...I am sure they would like to help me.  I NEVER see others as weak or less than when they ask for or accept help, so why do I see that in myself!?!?

So, I have been working on it.  Seriously working on it. 

One place that has been extra hard is around weight loss and exercise.  I have been so disappointed in myself that I couldn't bring myself to talk about where I was.  I know I needed to...and should...but I haven't really.  I guess I feel like I will be a failure and it will be public and ....  well of course being 40 lbs heavier is OBVIOUS without me talking about it...so I just need to get over myself. 

So here on my blog...I talk about it.  And the support is amazing.  So maybe talking in real life would be good too....

I have this friend, H. who comes over to swim.  And she is a runner.  Hates running, but does...and signs up for all kinds of races and has a great time with it.  She has offered to run with me a number of times in the past year.  I don't take her up on it because she is fast compared to me and I don't want to hold her back.  Or embarrass myself.  So I gently refuse...or tell her that I will get back to running and when I get better I will give her a call.

Well, that sneaky girl started talking to me about "when" we run together...and "what day"...and "I am coming to get you"..."go whatever speed"... "we are doing it".

(This is the same tactic I use with my daughter when she says no...I stop with "if" and turn it to "when")

She was gentle...but definitely pushing me.  I finally ran out of excuses.  So I agreed.  She was coming last night.  In my head I was doing everything I could to find a reason not to run with her.  My head hurt--well it did...but a run might feel better.  I was tired--whatever.  I just couldn't think of anything that wouldn't make me hate myself when I saw her at the pool today.  So I just put on my shoes and waited for her.

She showed up...having run 2.7 miles to my house.  We walked just a bit and she started giving me instructions...

Do not talk while we run.  You won't feel like it.  Soon you will...but not at first.
How far do you want to go?  OK. 1 mile is a perfect way to start.
We walk if you want to.  It is on you, I will follow.
OK. Show me how you run.  OK.  That is a good pace.  We will do that and I won't let you go faster.

I was so embarrassed...but then this is H.  We are friends.  She has been coming to my house for a couple of years to swim with kids.  She is younger, and fitter, and taller and tanner and whatever...but she is still goofy and fun and not sure of herself and kind and awesome... and just trying to figure out life like the rest of us...

And so the run was pretty terrible.  I ran .5 without stopping.  At a 13-14 min pace.  Then walked a little and ran the next .5  Nothing to brag about or mention or anything.  Embarrassing, really.

But the whole time she was encouraging.  Telling me how far and that we would make it and how awesome I was doing for not having run in a year--and she managed it all in a very sincere, genuine way. Telling me all the races that were coming up and making me pick some to do with her.  Telling me that she was coming back on Wed.  After that I am traveling...with strict instructions to run while I am gone.  Then she is traveling...and I have strict instructions again.

I was sweating like a crazy person.  And still embarrassed...and playing all my head games...run to that truck...if you make it there then you can think about walking...ok at the truck...no walking...let's go to that tree...now that house...now that tree...

And then it was over.  And I did it.  With help.  Which in this case is more awesome than doing it by myself.

H was on her way...another 2.7 miles home and then going to lift. She is amazing.  In contrast,  I had my husband help me get my sports bra off and jumped in the tub.

Sleep soooo soundly.

I think the running bug has hit me again.

And all because a friend kept gently pushing and I decided to accept some help.