Thursday, October 16, 2014


Here is what happens... I blog for a few days and then I don't.  And then I think of a ton of things I would blog about and then I wait to get it all sorted out in my head and then I don't get it sorted out and so I don't blog.  And then I think some more, have more to say and then repeat.

So I am not blogging because I have too much to say and too little time to really think it all out.

Sometimes it is weird to be me.

Maybe blogging about it would help me get it all sorted out.  Probably.

So I seem to have found a little bit of a groove in terms of eating.  Mostly food and then protein shakes and bars when I don't feel like food or am not prepared.  I have had a few times of things that don't really help me with my goals (talking to you cookie and chips and salsa) but I have not been bingey.  (Blogger doesn't think that is a word.  Maybe I just spelled it wrong.  Maybe I have made it up.  Whatever, blogger...get on board.)  Anyway, pants are also fitting better.  So not so bingey and pants fitting.  I will call that a win.

I got new glasses.  Or maybe it is that I got glasses.  I don't know.  I used to wear glasses, but haven't for about 15 years.  I had glasses in 9th grade, and then my eyes got better.  Then I had glasses at about age 25, and then my eyes got better.  People say that doesn't happen...but it has happened to me twice.  Now at age 45, I have glasses again.  Probably for good.  

Rabbit trail.  (See what happens when I don't think it through?!?)

So.  I have glasses.  I have been struggling to read.  I could, but it was just not I didn't much.  Today was the first time in awhile that I actually read something--about 15 pages.  Brene Brown.  About shame.

Oh wow.

So she makes the point that people use words like shame, humiliate, embarrass, guilt interchangeably, but they really are different.  Briefly...

Embarrass is that you do something and feel silly or whatever...but you know you are not alone.  Other people have done the same. It also is more temporary.  Like wearing 2 different color shoes.

Guilt is that you feel bad about something you did. It actually often moves you forward as you attempt to fix it. 

Shame is that you feel bad about who you are.  Someone says or does something that makes you feel bad...and you agree with them.  It often makes you move backwards.

Humiliate is that someone does something to make you feel bad...but you don't agree with them. 

(Apologizes to Brene Brown if I have this wrong...I am not taking a quiz...just sharing my thinking.)

So then she talks about when people shame you.  But shame is a feeling.  I am in control of how I feel.  So why is it that when people say hurtful things I agree with them?  Or I feel bad about myself.  And it is not self-esteem.  That is about thinking.  In my head, I know I am kick ass fun, a great person, smart, capable, talented, kind, etc. etc.  And yet I am so quick to FEEL differently.  And it fucks stuff up for me.  For example, I say sorry a lot.  A LOT.  For everything.  People bump into me and I apologize for standing where I was.  They ran into ME.  Even as I type this I think --no..I FEEL--like I am so dumb to apologize all the time.  I could give example after example of how I believe and feel the worst about myself. 

So I have to deal with my own feelings of being less than.  In her book she talks about shame resilience and 4 ways to be more resilient.  One of which is to tell your story.  So I guess I am doing this when I blog.

One way that I know I currently feel shame is that I have gained weight.  My "lowest" ever adult weight was 159...and documented on this blog.  I weighted 199 this morning.  I realized a few weeks ago...when the scale said 204.8...that I feel really negative things about myself because of this.

I am a fraud.  I am not capable.  I am a disappointment.  I deserve this.

All very very silly to my head.  But that is where the thinking is.  My heart?  Struggling.  I feel it.  Really FEEL it.

So I have been working on intentions.  Daily statements of who I am and what I do.

I am in control.  I am safe.  I am enough.  I move forward toward my goals. 

Replacing the crappy I am statements with better ones.

And then I read about it all today.  I love those full circle moments.

So I don't exactly know what the other strategies are.  I will get to them.  What I plan to do until then is pay more attention to my thoughts and feelings.  Notice them.  If I am aware of them and can separate thoughts from feelings then I can work to change them.

I can do that.

Sunday, September 28, 2014


I made it to day 23.  I think it was day 23.  It was yesterday that things fell apart.  Today I am back "on it".  It is all going to require some explanation.

Yesterday was the 5K.  And I was (sort of) prepared for the race.  I was not the least bit prepared for after.

The 5 K

I ran.  The whole way.  I was fairly sure something had happened and map my run had not started.  I ran sooooo far and it never announced mileage.  So I gave up and said...just run...eventually it will be over.  And after what seemed like hours, my iphone announced 1 mile.  Well, shit.  Ok.  So just settle in...this is going to be long.  I kept telling myself that I have been running 2 miles so I would not allow any whining until 2 miles.  2 miles came and I reminded myself that we had run 4 miles in 24 I could do this.  I almost started walking at 2.5 miles...but pushed myself.  So I did it.  Thrilled about that.

I walked around the expo and realized how hungry I was.  And sleepy.  I had almost fallen asleep on my drive to the I knew it wasn't good.  I had gotten up and couldn't bring myself to make anything to eat (more on this later) so I was hungry.  And shaky.  Shaky hungry.  I ate a banana and drank water.  I thought I would throw up.  I needed food.

So I got in my van and left.  As I was driving I thought about what I could do for something to eat.  Of course nothing fast food would not be possible on Whole 30.  So I went to the grocery store.  Beef jerky was full of sugar...and I just kept walking around trying to figure out what could work.  It was too early for the hot foods.  I will save you the long pondering...but what I came up with was sushi.  So rice.  Not a bad choice...but not Whole 30.  But not McDonalds or chocolate or donuts or whatever.

It was strange to eat sushi that early but I also felt so much better.  Until I got home.  Then I felt awful.  Physically and mentally.  And in typical multiplying stupid behavior I ate crap at dinner.


In the aftermath of it all I looked back over the last week.  My eating was horrible.  On plan, but horrible.  A few eggs, spinach only for one meal, a few almonds, banana chips, etc.  Not much in the actual meal department.  I have just been so sick of food.  Sick of thinking about it, making it, packing it, shopping for it, eating it.  I have been forcing myself to eat.  So it all made for the perfect storm.  So I can tell you when I broke Whole 30, but actually it was days earlier that the pieces were coming apart.  And yet, I know that leaving out food groups does make me feel better.  Pants are fitting.  I don't feel quite as "compulsive" about eating.  My face is clearer.  I am sleeping better.

Moving On

So I have decided that I need both the convenience of some protein shakes and bars combined with the clean eating food groups of whole 30.  I certainly can't call it whole 30 as it will mean some chemicals and processed foods.  I don't know if I can even call it Paleo or whatever...and that is ok.  I need to be able to drink meals or have bars when I am sick of food.  And I need to stay away from sugar, grains and dairy.  I also need to take the time spent on planning, shopping, cooking, and cleaning up on mentally keeping myself together.

So in someways this is day 1...but not exactly.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Day 18, 19: Running

Recapping my Whole 30 following the lead of this guy.  Wish he was blogging more as I like the format.

The Day

The past two days are a bit of a blur.  Work, home, running, sleep (not enough).  It usually takes me a day to get over as bad a migraine as I had...and this time it was weirder than usual.  I was not at all hungry and actually food was turning my stomach.  But today I am back to eating...and actually had my stomach growl twice today.

What I am eating...

Day 18: -- don't really remember...but all compliant.
Breakfast: egg, sausage, sweet potato, avocado
Lunch: chicken, apple, salad
Dinner: Italian roast, spinach, avocado

How I am Feeling/What I am Thinking...

I am sort of amazed about running.  Ran 2 miles last night and 2 tonight.  My knees hurt bad...but doctor has given me the go ahead to run through it.  I am seeing a new chiropractor and it is helping.  No running for the next 2 days and then a 5K on Saturday.  Lord help me.

Planning for The Future:

I have a ton of leftovers.  I will have more time at home tomorrow I will have time to roast some veggies.  Yum.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Day 17: All Good

Ok.  So last night I had a horrible migraine.  Knocked me out.  So no recap.  But I stayed on track.  Not the best meals...but compliant, on plan, meals.  Slept a lot and need more sleep still.

On to day 18...

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Day 16: Rest and Organization

Recapping my Whole 30 following the lead of this guy.  Wish he was blogging more as I like the format.

The Day

Helped with the half marathon in town this morning.  So up early.  It is so inspiring, and I am a crying mess during it.  Big, little, old, young, over weight, under weight, fast, slow.  They all show up.  And they all get it done.  I am just as proud of lady who finished a bit over 4 hours as I was about the guy who finished in 1 hour 10 mins.  And then the fire department ran/walked in full gear and an American flag.  I lost it.

Then home and batch cooking.  Finally ate a meal that felt like an actual meal.  Then a big nap.  Big.  4+ hours.  Felt amazing.

Now grow group for church.  This is new for us.  I am I always am with new people and new situations.  But also excited.

Then running by myself tonight with new shoes.  Anxious to be running and not be in pain.

What I am eating...

Breakfast: eggs and sausage
Lunch: Meatballs, roasted sweet potato, roasted brussel sprouts (A real meal)
Dinner: Italian pork roast, sweet potato

How I am Feeling/What I am Thinking...

I am tired, but fully acknowledge that I am doing way more than I ever could before Whole 30.  So the net is that I do have more energy.  I am not ready for the work week, but there should be some more downtime so I will continue to work on it all.

Planning for The Future:

The goal for this week is vegetables.  And not all sweet potatoes ;-)  I will be home at dinner time for most of the week.  I need to make as a goal more sleep, which means I need to be a bit more organized at home.  Housework never ends it seems.

I am starting to think about day day 30.  My current plan is to do a Whole 60.  I mean I know that I am doing well and feeling better.  And clothes are fitting better.  But of course I am nowhere near my goal.  So keep going. 

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Day 15: Quick and Exhausted

Recapping my Whole 30 following the lead of this guy.  Wish he was blogging more as I like the format.

The Day

Good day.  Busy day.  Super late and super tired.  More on the day tomorrow.  Basically:  Woke up at 3:30.  Worked for awhile.  Cleaned some.  Trip to Wal-Mart.  Soccer. Birthday party.  Shopping for shoes, books, clothes, etc. etc.  Bulk shopping at Sam's.  Home for a nap. Running.  Talking with a friend for over an hour.  Good day.  Tired.

What I am eating...

Breakfast: egg muffins
almonds, carrots, apple (1/2), Lara Bar (1/2)
Shrimp lettuce wraps, Asian Chicken salad
Lara Bar

How I am Feeling/What I am Thinking...

Today was really weird about food.  I was so hungry all day.  Crazy hungry.  True hunger.  With all the running around I did have sort of only one meal.  I don't think I am eating enough.  Will work on that for next week.

Planning for The Future:

Tomorrow I help with the half marathon in town.  Up early, but home by 10:30.  Probably a nap.  Then cooking, cleaning, ironing and getting ready for the next work week.  I will work to make it relaxing and fun.  Breakfast and lunch might be a problem as there is nothing ready...not even egg muffins. ;-)  So I am going to have to get up extra earlier to cook breakfast.  It will be ok.  I can do it.