Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Intention Day 2

Today's intention:  Think before I eat.

Yesterday I ate a piece of pizza.  It was great.  Then I had somewhere between 4 and 47 fun size pieces of candy.  That part is a problem.

Think before I eat.  That is what I need.

Weigh In Week 0

SW: 205.4 lbs


Intention Setting
Resonance Repatterning
Clean Eating

Monday, November 17, 2014

Day 1 Recap

Intention -- check
Resonance Repatterning  -- check
clean eating  -- fail

So my RR session tonight was all about hope.  What is clear to me is that I am digging down deep to clear out old patterns, habits and behaviors.  The statements that came up were all in the following vein:

I am enough.
I am safe.
All is well.
Everything I think and feel is ok.

So I am working on it.  Trying to feel those statements above.

On to day 2...

Dad

I know one of the things that is weighing on my is that I miss my dad.  I think it will be 10 years in May.  Seems weird that I don't know how many years it has been...but then as I type that I don't know if I think it is weird.  I just don't focus on when he died.  I just know he did.

And I miss him.

Terribly.

I still find myself thinking I would tell him something or call him or go to see him.  And then other times I can't remember what it was like to have a dad.  I mean, I remember all the memories...but I can't feel it.  So it is a weird mixture of a full flood of everything and a void of everything at the same time.

Sometimes I am angry.  The other day a person about my age lost her grandmother.  (Isn't "lost" a weird way to phrase it...)  And I was sad for her and her family...and then mad at mine.  I haven't had any grandparents since I was in high school, let alone parents.  My daughter has had only one set of grandparents for her whole life.  It isn't fair.  And then I hear my dad's voice..."life isn't fair".

And sometimes I am guilty.  The holidays are coming and I don't have to organize all the celebrations around multiple sets of families.  We have my husband's and then my sister's family will join us.  I feel guilty in those moments as it makes it easier for me. Easier in schedules...not easier in not having family.

And sometimes I am relieved.  My mom was difficult.  Very.  And lots of the negative tapes in my head are her.  Have you seen the Garth Brooks video about mom?  Kills me.  Seriously.  I feel that way so much about my daughter...and yet truly wonder if my mother ever felt that way. 

And then there is a song about one more dance with my father.  My dad didn't dance...but that song gets me too.  I know my dad struggled with depression.  I see it much, much more clearly now.  I am very much like him.  I see it in the way I handle things.  And I am trying to improve on much of what he did.

And my best friend from college's dad is in his last days.  He has cancer and there is nothing more that can be done.  He is ready to go (he keeps saying) but of course my friend is not.  The doctors tell her to get prepared and she texts me and tells me that.  And I ask her "how?" and she says that she doesn't know.

There is no way.

And I want to make it better for her.  And here I am 10 years later and I am not better.  Different.  Not better.

She is hurting and the hurt is only beginning.  The hurt that swallows everything.

And it is because we have great dads.

I have another friend whose dad died this summer.  And she keeps asking me when it gets better.

It doesn't get better.  It gets different, not better.

That is what I tell her.  I don't know if that is true for everyone, but it is true for me.

I see my dad everywhere.

And I know the positive side is that it is because I have a great dad.  Not perfect, deeply flawed actually.  (I think we all are.)  But great.  Present.  Loves me.

So here is another place where I feel the feelings, and also try to gain some perspective.  I feel loss because I have so much.  The downs with the ups.  And I have a choice.  I can use the memories to feel down and stay down.  Or I can use the memories to laugh and rejoice and remember and move forward.  It is sometimes a struggle, but I know that the second option is the one that I want.


Intention Day 1

Intention:  I feel happiness and peace throughout my day.

Modality:  Color your world glasses -- Pink

Here we go...

Sunday, November 16, 2014

I am Going to Believe

For months I have been struggling.  And every time I come here I am faced with it all.  So I am starting again.  And really that feels right.

The first releasing of weight was proving that I could do it.  I truly did not think that I could.

This time is about loving myself and settling in to that.  I know that is it because I have no idea how to do that.

NO IDEA.

It is just as daunting and scaring and necessary as losing almost 100 lbs was a couple of years ago.

And I am not sure I can love myself.  I am not sure that I can quiet the voices and the negativity.  I am going to believe that it is possible.  I am going to believe that I can do it and that as I figure it out I will find the healthy weight and strength that I need to live fully in my life.  Because ultimately that is (still) the goal.

And I haven't been living fully in my life.  I think in fact that I am depressed.  I am not sure if it is diet related or seasonal or situational or chemical...or what it is.  I am crying a lot.  A lot.  About good things and bad things.  About big things and little things.  I feel a bit directionless.  I am going through the motions, but just barely hanging on when I look inward.

It might be connected to what I am eating.  It might be connected to the self talk I have about weighing around 200 lbs.  It might be chemical.  It might be biological.  There is a lot of depression in my family.

I remember a number of years ago a therapist told me that I will never cure my depression.  I will learn to manage the episodes and I will work to make the episodes farther and farther apart.  What I am going through now is worse that it has been in a long, long time.  I am talking to my husband and may be headed to my doctor too.  I had managed so well for so long that I didn't really see this coming.  So I am not as prepared.  But I have a good support network.  I haven't talked with very many people about this...but I know that I can if I wanted to.  So that is good.

So...the plan is to learn to love myself, manage the depression, clean up my diet and release 40 lbs along the way.  I want to continue to be real, but to quit spinning in circles.  I want to move forward...through the hard stuff...but forward.

I am going to believe that it is possible...and that I am doing it.