Monday, July 13, 2015


OK  So my freak out from yesterday is over.

I am committed.  I don't know what the answer is for why I am doing right things without right results.  But I will keep with right things and get some help.  That will be next week. 

In the meantime, I am running, I am resting, I am thinking strong!

Working on it...

Sunday, July 12, 2015


So a lot has happened here.

I was running.  I fell.  Sore all week and walking rather than running.  Running starts again tomorrow.  Still moved 16+ miles.

My stomach was super upset.  Diarrhea for 6 days.  At first I thought it was the heat.  Then I thought it was some chicken I ate.  Then I didn't care, I just wanted it to go away.  Tried natural approaches.  Didn't work.  Finally decided to hell with Whole 30 and ate peanut butter toast.  It was the only thing that didn't make me sick.

So I didn't fall off the wagon.  I got off.  22 days.  Lost 4 pounds.  That was it.  No clothes felt better.  I felt horrible.

I tried just eating sensibly...limit sugar, limit grains, whole foods.  I am now constipated and up 7 lbs.

I don't know what to do to be healthy.  I really don't.  Maybe I have screwed myself up by doing Medifast and low carb and Whole 30 and Weight Watchers and whatever over the years.  Maybe I am hanging on to weight for some energetic reason.  I never lost weight with WW.  I lost 90 with Medifast.  I lost 11 in 11 days with the first Whole 30.  But none of these things seem to be working now.  I am watching myself be careful of what I am doing and still weight is coming on.  It has me scared.

And I am exercising.  A lot.  I know that I am not fueling correctly to be running how I am.  I can't stomach eating before or after running.  I don't know how to fuel exactly, but what I am doing is not working.

It is not calories in, calories out.  That is a lie.  I think.  Maybe lie is strong...but there is more to it.  It doesn't seem that a calorie is a calorie is a calorie.  Or maybe they are and I process them differently.

I really have no idea what I am doing.

So I am meeting with a nutritionist/Chiropractor/dr/I don't know what else.  In two weeks. 

In an effort to not go completely off of the rails in the meantime I am going to follow the Shred plan.  I will try to make it more on the protein side. 

I am frustrated.  And actually maybe more scared that anything.  What if I can't lose weight?  I know that mindset is I HAVE to be adding regular repatterning and energy work.  In fact, I am going to quite with all this rambling and go do that...

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Running and Rambling

Things are going well.  Whole 30 is fine.  I am sort of over it...but keeping at it.  The excitement is not there right now, but that is ok.  I am rarely hungry which should be a good thing.  The sweet man says my shape is changing and I am smaller, but I don't really feel it.  I think I am on about day 19 or something like that.

Running.  Wow.  It is kind of kicking me in the butt and kind of awesome.  The beginning of the week was two days of 3 miles each.  They were the worst.  Today was 4 miles and it all seemed ok.  The fickleness of running I guess.

I signed up for this coached program to help keep me accountable for running.  I just wasn't doing it on my own.  So I was going to "get in shape" before the beginning 3 mile "test" but I didn't.  So I went from no running since mid-Jan to 3 miles in horrible humidity and heat.  My time was fairly awful.  So I am in a slow group.  That is ok.  I was not up to running and did a lot of walking.  So I needed a plan to get me back into running.  (and when I say running I still mean run 4 mins and then walk 1 min)

I started with 1 mile at 4/1 and then the rest at 1/4 (1 min run 4 walk).  Then after 2 days I went up to 1.5 miles at 4/1, etc.  I am now up to 2.5 miles 4/1 and the rest 1/4.  I can imagine my friend S that is complicated... and that makes me smile.  At any rate, soon I will be 4/1 for the whole way.

I have been thinking a bit about the next fastest group.  I think I could be in that group but I am torn.  Right now I am really working on the habit of running.  The getting out there 5 days a week and doing the miles.  I am going from weeks of zero miles to 16 miles and counting each week.  So I mostly think I should just keep working on the habit.  And it is going to be like 1000 degrees soon with about 2000 percent I don't want to go crazy.

But I am already planning the next round and how I will be in better shape and faster and it will be winter and I will be in a faster group.  And it is awesome to think that I could be in a faster group.  I guess I have to fully embrace that I am competitive.  ;-)  Never really thought I was...but have sure found out over the last few years that I definitely am!

The sweet girl wanted to come with me on a run, but didn't want to run.  I told her that if she would learn to ride her bike she could do that.  And she did!  Basically taught herself in 1 day.  Now there is some motivation!!  We now live in a neighborhood where she can ride around by herself and be ok.  In our last town our street was deceptively busy and she really couldn't safely be out there.  So today when I ran 4 miles she biked.  She is getting braver about going on ahead and is working on paying attention to where I am. ;-)  So she ended up probably going about 6 miles.  It was so fun to watch how proud she is of herself.

And I feel that way about myself too.  I definitely remember a time when heading out for a 4 mile run would have scared the pants off of me.  In fact that was less than a year ago.  And now my "regular" runs for the next 14 weeks will be 4 and 5 miles.  To think that I will be running 5 miles and then going to school for the  I definitely need to make sure the habit is solid and not burn myself out or injure myself by trying to go too fast too soon.

I am still doing some reading.  I am also trying to wrap my head around the fact that summer is about over for me.  I am teaching for the next two weeks.  Then I have one week and then I start back to school.  I have had more non-school time this summer than I have in the last few summers, and I have also had major changes--moving, selling a house, new job, etc.  I have hired a couple of people and have a few more to hire.  I have done some school things, but really not too much.  It will be here soon and I am definitely looking forward to it.  I am also continuing to work on making the most of the time I have and getting some things done and resting as I can.  I also need to paint some rooms.  Maybe this weekend.  I am working to integrate self-care throughout all I do.  I used to put that as a "if time" activity.  Definitely need to make it a priority.

Working on it...

Saturday, June 27, 2015


I need a name for just general checking in.  I suppose "checking in" would work...but seems boring.  So is "ramblings"...but until I find something else that is what I typed.  Any suggestions?

Eating -- going well.  Last post was about a bunch of cravings.  They are gone for right now.  I am grateful for that.  Water is fine.  I drink a ton of it.  I am probably not eating enough...I will blog more about that at another time.  Today is day 15.  Half way.

Running -- going well.  Today was a 5 mile group run.  We met at the east running store to run at 7.  There are marathon groups (M1-M6 I think) and half marathon groups (H1-H7).  It is based on the 3 mile timed run we did.  So I am in the H7 group.  We were supposed to stay together.  I think I am faster than this group.  So I just did my own thing.  I might be too slow for the H6 group.  I don't know...and frankly it doesn't really matter to me. (Actually--I am not sure that is a true statement.)  I did my running intervals and just looped around. 

So I just looked the H6 group is 15 min miles.  My group is 18.  I am run/walking at 16.  I know that I will get faster.  I was closer to 14 min miles, but that was in the winter and I am definitely slower in the heat.  So anyway, I will see.

So one thing that was way cool was there was this lady who was walking about 16 min miles.  So I stayed with her and then ran ahead and came back to walk.  At one point she said...I am going to run behind you.  She did and then was so proud of herself.  And I know that feeling--doing what you think you can't.  And since I am easing back in...I am running 4 mins then walking 1 min.  Half way I reverse it. So when I reversed it this lady kept with me.  It was great.  I told her not to push too hard...but she kept saying it was pushing her in a good way.  She was so proud of herself and so thankful at the end of our miles.  I was thrilled for her!  So that will complicate things as I think about groups.  Part of me will want to stay and support her.  And then part of me will want to move to the next group and push myself.  So I don't know.  I will definitely push myself on my individual days and then just go from there.

I don't feel like I am losing weight...that is a concern.  I mean I want to be healthy and I am and I am doing great things for myself.  BUT...I also have to shop for school clothes soon and I would like to be lighter.  I am not weighing for the 30 I don't know where I am.  I have to remember that 50 lbs --although seemed to go back on overnight--is not going to come off overnight.  So just keep working on it.  One good decision at a time.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Day 12

Well, I have made it over the dreaded day 11 cave in.  So now just keep going.  Not yet half way to day 30...but getting closer each day.

I am a snacker.  I just want to keep eating...things I can hold...nuts, m&ms...etc.  I can eat an entire meal and then go looking for a snack.  So I am resisting all snacks.  I also want to end every meal with sweet.  So I am watching that.  Fruit is good...but not if I am using it to get the sweet kick at the end of meal.  I need to break that need.

I also am tired of water.  I want diet pepsi.  nope.  I tried flavored sparkling water...awful.  And just made me want soda.  No none of that either.  So I will stick with just water.  maybe some tea...but not the biggest fan of that either.

The frig is full of leftovers.  We are working through that.  Tomorrow is a day to plan and prep and get ready for the next few days.

I think sauces are the key to everything.  I wish I was better at it...but getting there.  I have a cousin who is phenominal.  He cooks a basic meal and while that is going he makes  a sauce...and it is AMAZING.  I watch him every chance I can.  He uses no reciepes, so that frustrating...and he lives too far away to do all the cooking for me. ;-)  So I will press on and keep trying to learn.

Today was rest day.  Tomorrow is 4 miles.  Lunch with a friend.  Looking forward to it.  Massage on Friday.  So excited about that!

Monday, June 22, 2015


So I apparently am an all or nothing kind of person.  So I am tackling eating and running.  At the same time.  Might not be the smartest thing...and it might be brilliant.  It is I have more time than usual.  I am starting a new position...not officially until the end of July...but also have things to do immediately.

So it is a mixed bag timewise.  But I am committing to getting something going.  Seriously going.  I want to kick ass.  I want to feel strong...mentally and physically.  I want to push hard and do things that seem unlikely.

I don't run unless I have a super structure.  H was great for that.  She just came to my house and I had to go because I wanted to see her.  I now live an hour from H so I don't see that happening as much.  So I signed up for a running program...with other people and a coach.  That is huge for me.  My friend, R, is also doing there is someone else.  We can support each other.  There are weekly runs on Sat where we will see everyone.  Otherwise it is each person on their own.  So we did a 3 mile timed race on Saturday to measure fitness and get pace groups.  This was the first time I have run since Jan.  Nothing like not preparing.  So definitely slow.  But there were other slow people so all good.

Then today I did 4 miles on my own.  I did run 4 mins walk 1 min.  I did that for 1.5 miles.  Then reversed it and did 1run/4walk for 1.5.  Then walked 1 mile.  I have a plan to be running the whole 4 miles (run 4/walk 1) soon.

I am to run 3 miles tomorrow.  4 on Thursday and 4-5 on Sat.  So I do from no running to 18-19 miles in 8 days.  I just don't do easy apparently.

But I will do it and imagine how great I will be in 4 months! ;-)

Off to stretch...

Saturday, June 20, 2015


So more on the Whole 30.  This is day 8, I think.  I hesitate to say Whole 30 because any purists around might take issue with a couple of things.  I do my best.  The only thing that I knowingly did off the official plan is a drink for running.  It has stuff I can't pronounce in it.  Also I take headache meds if I get a headache that I can't get rid of using other methods.  There may also be a tiny bit of stuff that sneaks through...but I try as much as I can to have it be pure.

Really this is more about the commitment to see it through anyway.  I have been thinking a lot about how much I have moved away from having a hard goal and seeing it through.  I give myself too many breaks.  I do it in the name of being kind to myself...but let's get real.  I have gained back 50 lbs in 2 years --well actually 30 in about 2 months and then kept circling around it slowly gaining more -- and that is NOT being kind to myself.  I also don't believe myself when I say I am going to do something-- and that is NOT being kind to myself.

So time to do more hard things.  I don't always feel great in the moment when doing hard things...but overall I feel wonderful.  So I am doing hard things.

Whole 30 is hard.  It is summer...I want ice cream and wine and chocolate and to eat fun stuff with friends...and I want my pants to fit.  And more...I want to believe myself when I say I will do something.

I have never made it past day 11 before.  I will this time.

Working on it...